so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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