Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
