the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
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Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
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some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
God, I missed his penis.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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