my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
