are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
