My cat gives me a boner
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
