either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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