He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
