it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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