what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Randomize
