The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize