I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
