Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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