New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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