Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
