If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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