is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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