he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
why is half of my head shaved?
So. Much. Porn.
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