last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
