I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
