I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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