her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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