i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
