I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
