Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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