my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you would pick up someone in the library
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
