I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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