hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
