his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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