I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
