So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
