is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
