We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
