Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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