i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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