That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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