Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
