mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
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There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
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I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.