I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Im part way to drunk.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
