imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly