Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
