At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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