Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
