i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
