I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
