I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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