Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
