Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
