And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
