I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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