a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
