I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
