i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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