I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
