She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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