I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
