I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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