Three words: puerto rican gang bang
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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