dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
